Longing

Have you ever longed for "the next step" so much that it made you miserable in your "hear and now"? That's where I have been the past few months. I've had a craving for the next step in life. I don't know what it looks likes or even what it is. I've just been saying, "it's not this". This isn't what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I've looked online thinking maybe more education, maybe I need to schedule a meeting with this or that person, and tell then my vision/dreams for the future. Let's get real. I don't even know what that is. When these thoughts have come to my mind, God has nicely reminded of the time when He told me not to continue my education more. I know that sounds crazy but it really happened about 6-8 months before I graduated with my bachelors degree. He has also reminded me of the times when I have tried to rush in front of Him before and the times He has so clearly showed me the next step and guided me along the way. 

The past couple of weeks and mainly this week, God has shown me that He has me in this place now to grow and strengthen me. He is giving me the tools that I will need in order to do what's next. Just this week if I wouldn't have been in a certain meeting, I would not have been able to later speak the truth that I had learned earlier that day to a friend. I had no idea while I was in that meeting that God was arranging a meeting time that only He could arrange. His timing was perfect. As I sat there that night, God softly spoke to me and reminded me that He has it under control. I need to stop running from the place of life that I'm in now, and allow Him to grow me. If I don't gain the knowledge from the things now, I will not be able to do what's next.

With all of that said, my prayer is that God will continue to change my attitude. I know that this step is necessary for me to able to do the next step efficiently. I want to stop hating this place in life and start enjoying it. I know God has a purpose for it. His path in life is always way better then my wondering in the desert.

Much Love,

Kandice

The New Norm...

I started the new year off by saying...

"This year, I want to remember to stop  smell the roses and not take life for granted. I want to be happier and make those around me happy. But most of all, I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to do, what God is calling me to do. I want to go, WHEREVER He leads. I want the abundant life He has set for me. The good, the bad and the ugly."

Wow! What a month it has been. It has been full of surprises and changes. On January 3rd my papaw fell and cracked his knee cap and broke his wrist. That was just the beginning of what was about to become my "new norm". 

My papaw has been through a lot medically (another post, another time). Each time he has bounced back more then we could imagine. We expected the same this time but it hasn't happened. We had to come to the realization that "the time" has come. For as long as I can remember my grandparents have told me that "when the time came that they could no longer care for themselves they wanted to go to the nursing home." Well that reality came true this week. This past Tuesday, my papaw was placed in the nursing home. 

As I type this, I sit in the hospital with my nanny. She just had shoulder surgery. Now it's time to get her recovered.

My "new norm" this month has become caring even more for my grandparents. I have traveled the roads from Alabama to Tennessee several time. I'm learning the in's and out's of Medicaid and Medicare. I've helped plan both of their funerals. I've taken over their finances and  learned what it mean to have to Spend Down.

I'm not complaining. I'm so thankful that I'm in the position to do it. I'm thankful to have a supportive husband who is understanding and freely gives his wife to go. I asked God to grow me. I asked God to send and use me "wherever". I just didn't imagine it would start here. 

Earlier this week, a sweet lady told me that things would get easier once I accepted my new norm. So that's what I'm doing. My place of ministry for this season is with my grandparents. I accept it FULLY! I know God is going to use me and teach me so much more. I want to be FULL of Him and what He has for me.

~Kandice 

 

A New Year 2014

Today is the start to a new year. I was able to spend the day with My Love and our friends. I hiked, crawled, walked, and climbed more today, then I have in a long time. We went Spelunking aka Caving. Afterward I fixed the most random lunch of whatever I could pull together (popcorn chicken, fries, sausage balls, chips and dip, and homemade candies), but those college students didn't care. They were just excited for a free meal.

When I think of New Years, I first think of resolutions. Wikipedia defines New Year's Resolution as: A New Year's resolution is a promise that you make to yourself to start doing something good or stop doing something bad on the first day of the year. Most people set New Year's Resolutions such as to exercise more, lose weight, stop smoking, etc. I saw an article that stated that 88% of people do not keep their resolutions.

This year I will not be setting any resolutions but defining areas that I want to grow in.

Zach and I have had many blessings this past year. Our marriage has grown even stronger. We have been blessed with a church that focuses on marriages. The spring term of last year we were able to attend a Wednesday night class, lead by the McGuire's, where things just "got real". In October we attended our second year in Ridgecrest, NC to attend the Festivals of Marriage. It's so much more then just a weekend of marriage conferences. It's a weekend away with "your love" growing, learning, and having fun. Also, this past year was a lot of "first's" for us. Zach was promoted as a full time manager at Rosies, we moved into our first house (still renting, but at least we are out of an apartment), and we got our first puppy- Moses. ----- In this year, I want to grow as a better wife for my husband. He deserves a wife that will respect him and love him unconditionally. Due to how we work, we are limited on how much we see each other. I want to spend less time on Facebook, my phone, and doing meaningless things when we are together. I want our time together to actually be spent together.

As a social worker, this past year was the hardest of my 3 1/2 years of practicing. I would like to ask before you bad mouth your local child welfare workers, that you stop and think about the stress and pressure that is on them. They have to make many life altering decisions daily. ----In this year, I want to grow as a better social worker. Not quick to judge but to remember these people are still human and deserve respect. I want to help reunite more families back together and have to find less relative resources. To show grace when needed, but still ensure the best safety for children.

I feel like this past year, God has been teaching me a lot. This past fall term at church, I was part of a class were we started going through the Old Testament. We didn't just talk about the Bible stories that many know, but really dug into the details of them. As Kara Taylor says, "you cannot love a God that you don't know". Over the past few months God has placed a college student into my life. It has been a joy to watch this person grow and start to be freed of the bondage of legalism. As God is using me with this person, He is teaching me a lot as well. ---- In this year, I want to grow an even deeper relationship with my Father. I want to learn so much more about Him, and His plans for my life. I want to share the Gospel more with other. Both near and far.

This year, I want to remember to stop and smell the roses and not take life for granted. I want to be happier and make those around me happy. But most of all, I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to do, what God is calling me to do. I want to go, WHEREVER He leads. I want the abundant life He has set for me. The good, the bad and the ugly.

~Kandice

Grieving Through The Holidays

Grieving through the holidays is so hard.

This January will be nineteen years since my mom's passing. She passed on January 3, 1995 just five days before her 35th birthday. My mom loved the holidays. The baking, decorating, and having a good time. On our last Christmas together, my aunt got us a karaoke machine. This is the only Christmas that is on video of my mom. We had so much fun singing "My Girl" that night in my grandparents living room. That will always be my favorite Christmas! Christmas now just isn't the same. Yes, I can still enjoy the holiday with the family I still have, but a part of my heart will always be empty.

In my 3 1/2 years of practicing social work I have now had to stand beside three different families as they said goodbye to a spouse and father or children. I grieve for these families. My heart is broken for the children left behind because I know the loss they are going to feel for the rest of their lives. I feel so helpless. Anytime there is a need or someone is hurting, I want to jump in "sometimes too fast" and fix it. In this situation there is nothing that will take the pain away. No amount of casseroles, visits or hugs will bring their loved one back but maybe it will help them to know that I do care. 

So once again, why did I decided to become a social worker and have to relive past pains at time.... Because I can relate. During weeks like these, I can look at these families and say, "I'm so sorry. I know how bad you are feeling."

The Abundant Life

The Abundant Life 

I was able to share "my story" with a sweet young lady not long ago. She knew pieces from the past few years but wanted to know what happened to land me with my grandparents as a junior in high school.

Some people are very private with their life stories. For some the memories still cause a great deal of pain. I have learned to share mine. It's not to brag or try to get sympathy. I view it as, God has allowed me to walk a difficult road. I don't know all of His reasons, but maybe His only reason, is for me to be able to relate and help someone else that is on the same road that I was. Don't get me wrong, some days are still difficult but through God's grace and mercy, I am learning how to handle those days.

As I sat in my living room with that young lady pouring out my life of abuse and lost, I was reminded of the people who stepped in at different times to show me love.

My parents divorced when I was one. My mom married again when I was three to a man who had three children of his own. My dad married a lady who had a daughter and together they had a son who is five years younger then me. (To protect everyone involved I will not list names or give all the details) When I was seven years old and in the second grade, my step-dad adopted me. On that day I gained a new family but also lost a side of my family. Two months later I came home from school to discover that my mom had passed away. My whole life was turned upside down yet again. Due to my step-dad being a truck driver during the week, I spent the next 2 1/2 years living between my grandparents and aunt. The summer before I started my fourth grade year of school, my step-dad remarried the mother of his children. I then went to live with them. As a child, I was excited because I thought I was about to be like all the other kids with a dad, mom, and siblings. To my grandparents and aunt, this was another death. They had already lost my mom and now they were losing me. I was too young to understand it all then. All I could see was the tension and friction it was causing between all these people that I loved and I felt pulled in many different directions. The next several years were filled with lots of mountain tops and valleys. I know what it is like to spend a week each summer at church camp but also scrape up change to purchase food or turn the lights back on. I know what it means to attend church each Sunday but not to truly see the church lived out at home. I've been the kid who received the free/reduced lunch at school and counted on "the system" to meet my medical/dental needs. I've experienced the craziness of too many people living in a small house with one bathroom. I have been picked at and teased to the point that it has caused me to be very self conscious and hard to open up around others. There were many fun times and never a dull moment but also a lot of heartbreaking times. As I got older and through the help of others, my eyes were opened. I was not suppose to spend the rest of my life just scraping by or being the Cinderella of the home. In November of my junior year of high school I went back to live with my grandparents. It was one of the best but hardest decisions I had ever had to make. Once again, I gained a family back, but lost the family that I had known for so long. When I moved, I left with the clothes on my back. I was able later on to get some of my personal belongings. The next year and half were challenging. I had to adjust to a new way of living and new exceptions for my life. I was learning what it meant to be valued, loved, and appreciated. There was no question with my grandparents if I would attend college. They just didn't know what to do to get me there. Through the help of many, I moved to Florence, AL on 8/19/06 to attend the University of North Alabama to major in Social Work. My college experience is a whole other story filled with joys and trials. Those four years were spent searching and finding who "Kandice" really was and suppose to become. There are things that I did during those years that I wish I wouldn't have, but those experiences have helped me to be freed of legalism and understand the meaning of God's grace. I met my husband on 12/8/08 while in college. We were engaged in April of 2010 and Married May 7, 2011. In May of 2010 I graduated with a degree in Social Work. I spent two years working as a home visitor for the Early Head Start Program. I have spent the past year and half working with the Department of Human Resources through the state of Alabama.

As I finished my story that night, she looked at me and asked, "how do you work at your job with everything you have gone through?". I replied by saying, "I can relate to many of their situations but can also show them they can change". 

I've gone from relying on the system to provide for my basic needs to working for the system. I am now happily married, I am part of a church who loves me and encourages me weekly, and I have a close relationship with my small family. God has blessed me with my grandparents- aka "my old people", an aunt of uncle who have stepped up to the role of being my fill-in-parents, and a cousin who is like a big sister. I've had the opportunity over the past few years to meet my half brother. We live in two different states but keep connected through social media. My husband and I recently grew our family by adding a four legged fur ball named Moses. 

John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I cam that they may have life and have it abundantly."

The thief (Satan) has tried many times to steal, kill, and destroy my life. There have been times when I wished my life would end or I would have a panic attack due to fear. I have let sin cripple me in the past into believing that I could never be viewed as a "good" person again. The past five years God has been freeing me of that bondage. I know that through Him, I can have an abundant life. That does not mean that my life will be easy, but it does mean God will always be there to help me through that valley and up to the next mountain top. 

I have learned to praise God throughout the journey of my life. My road has taken me many places but God has always been there to guide me. God placed many people throughout my life who helped me take that next step. There were many teachers who touched my life, but just taking a little extra time with me. There were family members, church members, and friends who gave me words of encouragement. The local child advocacy, Kid's Place, believed in me enough as a teenager, they hired me as their Administrative Assistant. God uses all different kinds of people even now to give me that extra boost that I may need at times.

Has my life been hard? Yes! However, I wouldn't change it. It has taught me so much.

Right now I'm on the mountain, but there is a valley ahead. I don't know what it looks like but I rest assured that God sees ahead.

~Kandice